The Project Mission Statement.

How did I get here?

This morning I woke up and realized I need to *do* something. Anything. 

I think this burning need to produce something stems from a few different things. To start, I have been attempting to get my side hustle operation off the ground over the last few weeks and I am slowly realizing that I am a little behind my peers in all of my industries. 

I want to sell designed items on a site - but to create a shop you have to point them to a portfolio to prove you're worthy. 

I want to blog for a professional site - but I have to point to a blog I am already a part of to get the ability to author. 

I want to be in the business of creating beautiful things - but I don't have a name for myself, I don't have a website, I don't have business cards and I don't even have all the skills it takes to do what I envision myself doing. All of this means that I obviously don't have paying customers.

I want to be taken seriously professionally - but I can't even gather endorsements on my link'd in site because I am not demonstrating to my network that I have and use these skills.

I can't complete even the smallest tasks right now because I have inevitably handicapped myself. I haven't followed through on even the smallest goals to show I have accomplished anything lately. I haven't buckled down. I haven't faced my fears. I haven't believed in myself and I haven't been honest with myself either.

How did I even get here?

I look back and I can see a version of me in my past. I was the Type A person. I was involved in clubs and organizations. I volunteered. I was strong and lean and confident in myself. I was highly respected professionally. I ran a team; I ran an office; I was the one person that everyone could count on. I competed in challenging mental and physical competitions and I won; a lot. I was going to school. I taught English. I even had an exciting social life. I had connections, I was networked, and I was the biggest 'do-er' anyone knew and I had loads of accolades and proof to show for it.

I still do. I have all of those certificates and medals and thank you cards from orphanages. They're all gathering dust in a box somewhere.

That version of me occurred over ten years ago. I don't even remotely feel like that person anymore. I can't look over my last ten years and say I have been successfully doing anything that was accelerating me towards my dreams. I haven't done the things that prove to myself and those around me that I am serious about giving this life everything that I have. (That sounded cheesy but I am trying to rally myself up here...)

Sure, I have graduated, I have gotten a job, and I have gotten married to an amazing man who also happens to be my best friend. I am extremely grateful to have even gotten to this point. From what I grew up out of I have beaten the odds. *Cue the jazz hands.

I'm also always busy. Probably too busy. I swear my current life is in a constant state of hurried chaos and there is never enough time. I feel like I am getting burned out and I don't have a lot to show for it. Honestly - yes - I do believe I have accomplished some good things in those years; but it's just not enough. It's not enough because I am staring down this giant, looming set of hurdles just to express myself and begin working on my personal dreams. My resume might as well be blank in terms of my design dreams.

And that's not all.

Because somewhere in these last ten years I have also lost myself. I completely and totally lost sight of who I am. I have no sense of my own, distinct personality anymore. In these last ten years I lost respect for myself. I am not confident. I am not the 'winner' I used to be in my own eyes. It took some brutal honesty to finally realize this and actually admit it. 

Ouch.

I don't love me. I don't love this hollow version of me. I don't enjoy what I represent and it's affecting me in ways I cannot ignore any longer. It's caused me so much mental pain, anxiety, and stress in the last few years. It has made me excruciatingly insecure. I've been needy and distant at the same time. I've been making excuses. I've been whining. 

I don't like the effect this has on my relationships. I don't like how this makes me look at work. I don't like how I sound when I talk to my friends. I recently noticed how I've either been seeking constant validation from those around me or cowering in a corner away from them.

My husband, my family, my friends, and my work team do not deserve that. It's not fair to depend on them for constant praise to help me live with my own short-comings. And it's especially not fair to be upset with them when they can't keep up with my insecurities. It's no one's job to fulfill my sense of self but my own. I need to be my own validation.

So that is what I am doing.

I am recreating my sense of self. 

I am rebuilding my own respect in my skills, my talents, and my mental/physical strength. I am working on myself to get back my confidence. It sounds like a lot of me's and I's but I now see how I am causing my loved ones work and stress. So, it's time I stop blaming everyone around me, blaming my past, blaming my environment. It's time I put in some effort of my own. It's time I distinguish myself. 

It's finally time to get down and dirty about the grunt work I have been putting off for so long and get serious about what I need from myself.

My goals.

The main goals I have are probably the same ones I would have listed for myself ten years ago to already have accomplished by now. But I feel like now is as good as time as ever to catch up.

I want to create beautiful/technical things. 

I want to be respected professionally.

I want to feel strong and fit physically.

I want to love and respect myself again.

These are intentionally vague and hugely broad at this point. I know of a few things that I would like to do to fulfill these but I see value in leaving them mostly open ended. Each of them has a significant amount of smaller efforts within them. I think that's o.k. right now.

I want to use these to goals to guide me over the next year as I create 52 documented pieces of proof that I am accomplishing something. It could be a business card. It could be an digital asset I create. It could be an blog or a webpage. It could be a journey to explore a business model or a logistics model. But every one needs to be provable.

There are a *lot* of things that I can do.

52 things to be precise.

The end of the year should wrap up with 52 things that I can look at and show myself that I am worth my own respect again. This is 52 small battles to fight and 52 ways I need to triumph to prove to myself and my loved ones that I am whole again. 52 victories. 52 reasons to believe. 52 things.

Commitment statement.

The final piece of brutal honesty is I am plagued with an intense fear of commitment. I don't know where it came from but the idea of committing to anything is a terrifying idea for me. I second guess every claim or promise I have ever considered. I let my fear of failure rule over my decisions to speak out about my dreams and aspirations. I freeze up and get weak in the knees and instead of just not announcing my goals and projects vocally I completely talk myself out of doing them at all.

But I did retain something from that old version of me. I still have an enthusiastic competitive streak. And I think I am going to accept this project and frame it as a competition in my head. I am betting on myself from the beginning. I need to win. I need to feel like myself again.

So to keep myself honest I have come up with some rules or guidelines of what this project will produce: 

I will complete at least one item per week.

Every week will contain documented proof that I have completed this item.

52 items of proof before December 31st, 2016.

Each item will be significantly addressing one of my above 4 goals.

 I am doing this project for myself. I am going to prove to myself that I am valuable, I am talented, and that I am deserving of my own respect. By doing so I will also become the calm, confident, and stable person I need to be for everyone around me.