My Second Thing - 1st Portfolio Entry

There is never "A Plan"

I spent a week in the Virgin Islands on vacation. My initial goal for this week was to produce at least one more ‘thing’ (and finish my post about it) – but in addition to this I also read four books. Book reading doesn't count as proof of accomplishment. But - I have learned a mind-blowing amount of things about how the human brain is wired concerning memory, passion, neuron training, happiness, self-love and the notion of deep-work.

I would like to think that I will look back on my trip as a sabbatical of sorts. I left with a brain excitedly churning with big thoughts and painful truths. Everything was messy and confusing. My project to complete 52 things was not a well structured formula where I had neatly worked out a distinct equation of 52 things in a year = divine fulfillment. I hope I never let on that this was the case because that would have been a bold lie.

This whole thing was all just a stab in the dark.

A vague hypothesis. Ie: I know I am distinctly lacking in documentation of my previous accomplishments and current skills a la if I produce 52 items of proof then somewhere along the line I will *HAVE* to figure out what the hell I am doing with my life. Right?! Throw in a healthy dose of self-worth issues that I am working through and you would literally know what my shoes felt like 2 weeks ago.

What I didn’t realize is that the progression to defining my final project idea was telling me exactly WHY I hadn’t actually produced anything significant of late and exactly what I needed to do to get back to producing. Subconsciously I know why I have been unable to do this.

For example, one of my previous ideas was to have a New Year’s resolution that would dub 2016 “The year of the ‘No’.” I had a vague idea that my chaotic lifestyle was superficially busy. I understood that my life with my husband was consistently overflowing with too many things to do and many of them felt were things we didn’t actively enjoy attending, nor did we feel like we were able to spend time enough with eachother OR get anything done. To rectify this I played with the idea of setting the expectations to our friends and family that we would likely say no if asked to assist or participate in something.

While this seems like a good idea it was quickly brought to reality that neither of us are ready to be that strict in our responses. Especially since we looked at the calendar during the last week of December and realized that every weekend through mid-February was already scheduled and committed to various people and tasks (and almost none of them strictly devoted to our own goals).

But I knew I was on to something. The 52 things project was just one more evolution of this idea.

In these 4 books I read this week I have found this saying about focus that just keeps repeating itself to me over and over. I know it’s important and I know I am on the brink of being able to use it towards my goal – but at the moment it is still bigger than I am. But it makes me incredibly excited.

Clarity about what matters subsequently defines clarity about what does not.

Right now what matters to me is this goal. It is so important that I figure this part of my life out that it is almost a higher priority than air. This sudden realization that I need to accomplish these 52 things has been a constant, useful tool for pushing my brain to just GET ON TRACK and learn to ignore the things that do not help me accomplish my goal.

After two weeks it’s become blatantly obvious to me why I haven’t accomplished anything that I can be proud of recently. I can’t focus. I can’t stay on track. I cannot follow a distinct thought process all the way through let alone complete anything worthwhile.

I am working with a disastrous cocktail in my head.

It's worse than your proverbial 'fire and gasoline'.

I tie my self worth to the quality and quantity of my output. Yet my personality is plagued with the worst possible recipe to actually accomplish anything. I have a predisposition to distraction (a lack of focus), an affinity for new, shiny ideas (a lack of follow-through), and a penchant for procrastination (a reason to put off focus till ‘later’).

Added to this is my inability to say no to people who ask me for things or ask for my attendance to something. Even worse is that I married someone who says Yes to friends and family just as much as I do – and every Yes said in these respects is a commitment made on behalf of the couple.

Basically: I am not good at focus and I’m not doing anything to make myself better at it - in reality I am actively making myself worse.

Fortunately a sweet friend heard about my project and recommended one of the books that I read this week. The book (Deep Work by Cal Newport) reveals studies done on the greats of humanity and their secret to attaining this greatness. He states that to get to any major level of success you have to learn how to counter the natural (and superficial) distractions in life and really FORCE yourself to commit to your goals. It is not due to some natural talent of ability graciously bestowed onto a precious few. He goes on to say that this commitment is proven by giving yourself to prolonged periods of ‘deep work’ can actually strengthen your ability to focus.

I needed to hear that.

For so long we have been told that much of our personality – to include inability to pay undivided attention – is a defined trait that we will forever be plagued by. The author showed study after study where this was proved untrue. All it takes its practice.  Your brain is constantly rewiring itself and you can train both what to wire and strengthen those wires when you focus yourself consistently. Basically, focus is like any other learnable ability – and practice makes perfect.

Avoiding distraction is difficult for everyone – but if you devote yourself you can get better.

This vacation week I set out with only two *tiny* goals. I meant to complete a SINGLE design that was worth posting onto an online portfolio. Secondly, I needed to complete this blog post that would need to document my success for my project.

As with my last goal I defiantly believed this would be a low effort way to get past this monstrous mental block the renders me unable to post my work in the public eye. I am incredibly critical of my work and never believe that any of my work actually shows my skills or talents in a way that I perceive them. Basically everything I have actually made is not as good as I think my skill is judged in my head. I don't know how or why this ever became a thing.

But if I can just get ONE thing onto this portfolio then there would be no looking back.

I sat down to my laptop no less then 6 times before I submitted myself to completing the task come hell or high water. Mostly due to the fact that it was my last night on this vacation and I had zero to show for it.

I began by opening up my folders of ‘old work’ and ‘past projects’ and skimming through them for just the right thing to clean up and put online. I looked at every. single. one. of the hundreds of examples I had and came up with nothing. I decided that if I reorganized them that it would be easier and proceeded to clean up the folder organization for 45 minutes before I stopped and realized that I just wasted 45 minutes actively procrastinating.

Next, I decided that if I was obviously going to post graphic design examples that I would need to use a ‘mockup’ to help display it professionally. Mock-ups have existed for a while and you can now purchase these elements (wooden backgrounds or pretty flowers or coffee cups) to use interchangeably depending on the voice of your design. So, if I was going to pay for a set of these then I needed just the right one. I searched though everything in my favorite ‘market’. 30 odd pages later I found one. It only took an hour. Except it was one more hour I spent on this goal and STILL had nothing to show.

I gritted my teeth and I decided to narrow my focus. Since the majority of my last ten years of committed design was spent creating wedding invitations then I should probably just pick one of those and start there. Unfortunately, none of these were ever produced in a way that left the ‘working artboard’ in presentable condition. I couldn’t just take the invites ‘as is’ and throw them onto a background/mock-up and post them.

AND  //my brain reasoned//  - if I was going to post my invitation work to prove my design prowess then I should post them all with a similar suite of products to emphasize my ability to create comprehensive design packages. So began creating an artboard with a standard set of products in standard sizes. And I started creating standard names, scripts, and destinations that I could overlay onto each design and just match my font to the original design so that all the designs would be similar in this way as well – and to help hide my clients personal details. Another hour later I still have nothing to post online.

It was getting dark and I had been working ‘altogether’ for over three hours and STILL nothing to show for it.

HOW DOES THIS KEEP ON HAPPENING?!

I closed my laptop. Exhausted and defeated I went to bed. I think I just wasted a whole week. :(

I had all but given up on my goal getting completed on 'vacation' - until we were told upon entrance to the airport that our flight was pushed back two hours.

I knew I needed to seize this opportunity.

We went through check-in, customs and security and once we got in the terminal I set up shop. I opened an old invite that I never actually used with a client (no personal details to hide), no ties to the design’s originality to preserve (yes, that’s a concern), and no suite of products (to tease me into ‘re’creating the entire product package) – I quickly cleaned it up and saved it off. I opened my new mockup designer and opened up a pre-made ‘scene’. Placed the saved invitation in, saved it, and posted it into my online portfolio on Behance.

And here is is. (link)

I didn’t love the invite I picked and I didn’t love the scene I chose. There are a thousand things wrong with both that I could spend no less then ten hours ‘fixing’. But I didn’t have ten hours. I had less then two and I had got to get this done. I needed to remind myself that my goal wasn’t to post the most beautiful, thought provoking design I have ever painstakingly created – my goal was to put ONE thing online. That's it.

This final stab at completing my goal was literally ALL about focus. I had just spent 5 days in a tropical getaway with my time equally split between a serene, deserted beach and breathtaking view on my balcony and I couldn’t get my goal completed because I didn’t commit to focus. Instead I completed my goal in an act of desperation inside of a crowded, loud, non-airconditioned airport café. Each and every time my brain floated to a distraction or an idea of how I needed to further refine or rethink the particulars of my design choices I FORCED myself to stop, breath and just get this thing done.

My last post I realized that I needed to make my focus bigger then my distractions. This post is a week later, within which I have consumed 4 books of research that have stated in black and white that focus and deep-work are the true defining aspects between those who do great things and those who fail.

This week has wrapped up with me pushing myself to the brink of my ability to focus and past my self doubt.

It isn’t perfect but it’s only my second thing. And along with what appears like a tiny success within the proof and documentation department is a HUGE win with the realization that my year is going to be a long, arduous journey where I finally learn how to focus myself and my efforts. I will be spending a lot of time actively training myself to do deep-work and reducing the distractions that plague me currently.